Midnight – 1/1/2017

Zu-Zu Lee on the front lines, hard at work on the case of the Shoestring Surger, going that extra mile, literally and literarily.

The case is in the can– this reporter narrowly escaped an incident with one rather rude, shoe-thieving no-good washed-up can masquerading as a super hero [Daily Star], and yet another apocalypse [Dark Star].

As my prized rainbow peace sign high-top converses wrapped round the wire, the clock struck midnight, the ball dropped… the power surged—but WAIT! What about that thinggg, that thing, that we have, that’s like bae, bee. Bae? BEE, OoOoH!?!

Thinking outside the box, I approached a lesser known associate from our perp’s days in the can, a mean-mugging caramel-crunch, the meanest box o’ crunch I ever did see, sporting the same knock-off hero getup.

This reporter suspects that we may have a cereal killer afoot. Scattered incidences confirmed on strategic lines throughout town, there is no line these perps will not cross!

Further investigation needed into the shoe-bearing capacity of power lines in the City of Chico to determine if incidents may be directly related or if super elements may be in play.

While not the Giant Meteor that we all had hoped for, this brief apocalypse was just the hero I needed to get away on foot, literally. Quite a feat, literarily.

The Daily Star

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Get me pictures of the supers! No, Lee, I want pictures… sufferin’ succotash, what’s a lowly reporter to do? Twelve-thousand words on the average airspeed velocity of unladen African swallows as compared to that of unladen European swallows, but the Daily Star only has eyes for one thing– what is this, the CW? This week on “Dating… with Super Heroes:” people die, civilizations perish, the world as we know it— hold up, what about that thing that we have? You know, that thing?

I don’t know that thing. What thing? All I know, is they better clean it up before mom and dad get home. So unless I was about to cut up some old shower curtains and stitch together a remarkably regenerative spandex jumpsuit, I had better think of something quick. Up next: The Real Reels of Chico! Maybe I should get a reel job.

Turns out, the Daily Star didn’t think that pun was clever, and no, dijon mayonnaise is not a super hero… shucks deluxe, where does one find a hero in this day and age? What does it mean to be super in 2017?  Down on my luck, I kicked a stray can. It kicked me back, threw my shoes over the telephone wire, and insulted my mother. That “S” used to mean something, now it’s just a shape for children’s spaghetti dinner, a label on a can accidentally taken off the shelf before the expiration date.

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