Ba baa black sheep have you any wool?
Brush here, shear there, ne’er a bag full… 

handwriting-example-baa-baa

That sheep ain’t no Dalai Lama– girl, yoe must be a glutton for for an ass-whoopin’ keepin’ that ewe round here!

This was one piece of mutton long past its expiration date, with a comb-over rivaled only by The Donald himself, and a disproportionately sized tongue lolling out its mouth.

Dolly was an old ewe, she had certainly sheered better days… but the little boy who lived down the lane, turned his nose to ordinary wool, white and plain.

Master demands a bag per day, and a second for the Dame. You know what happens when their coats grow lame.

Ewwwwe, not stew! Not Dolly!

Hush! Not a peep from you or the ewe– I have a plan:

Knight, Bruce I. “Animal Cloning: Transitioning from the Lab to the Market.” USDA. March 5, 2008. https://www.aphis.usda.gov/newsroom/speeches/content/2008/03/Biotech_Comm_final_3-5-08.pdf

Do you even movie night big bro? That never bodes well for the humans…

Think–Dollhouse. The 6th Day. Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Star Wars II. Blade Runner.
Ask yourself: Do Androids Dream Electric Sheep?

I know I know, a clone is not the same as an android… but would you want to eat it? wear it? drink its milk?

Pull the wool over your eyes, but ewwwwe, not stew!

We assure ewe, it is as safe for human consumption as the foods we eat every day: United States Department of Health and Human Services. “Animal Cloning” FDA. July 3, 2014. http://www.fda.gov/AnimalVeterinary/SafetyHealth/AnimalCloning/default.htm

We? Big bro, are you–

We assure ewe, it is as safe for human injection as the drugs we take every day: United States Department of Health and Human Services. “Genetically Engineered Animals” FDA. August 23, 2015. http://www.fda.gov/downloads/ForConsumers/ConsumerUpdates/UCM144055.pdf

But that’s a goat–

Sheep go to heaven. Goats go to hell…
Just kidding!
We assure you, it is as safe as for human society as the society we live in every day:
Michael Herndon. “Transcript of Media Briefing on FDA’s Release of a Final Guidance for Industry on the Regulation of Genetically-Engineered Animals” FDA. January 15, 2009. http://www.fda.gov/downloads/NewsEvents/Newsroom/MediaTranscripts/UCM121219.pdf

Recorded? I object–

Hush!
Reporters will be in a listen only mode until we open call for comments.

Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep,
and doesn’t know where to find them;
Make them a clone, and they’ll come home,
wagging their tails behind them.

She awoke with a start, her face full of wool– black wool.
Dolly the sheep, with a fleece thick as thieves…
Her eyes they must be deceiving.
It couldn’t be! Not Dolly, her Dolly?
She sure was a spittin’ image…
Three bags full she stuffed with wool
She had dreampt her sheep from lame to cool!

Little Bo-peep fell fast asleep,
and dreamt she heard them bleating;
but when she awoke, she found it a joke,
for they were still a-fleeting.

You’re a hack with a hook!
That filthy crook!
Big bro must’ve been deceiving.
Alternative facts
And fancy “science” reading
Dolly was gone
Before she ever knew she was sleeping

Then up she took her little crook,
determined for to find them;
she found them indeed, but it made her heart bleed,
for they’d left their tails behind them.

Tale of woe, woe is me
How could she let it be?
Tale by Tale
bye bye tails…

It happened one day, as Bo-peep did stray
into a meadow hard by,
there she espied their tails side by side,
all hung on a tree to dry.

bi-tale
buy small retail
these rhymes
are getting stale…

She heaved a sigh and wiped her eye,
and over the hillocks went rambling,
and tried what she could, as a shepherdess should,
to tell each clone from its lambkin…

But the real mystery
was little Bo-Peep
for that night she dreampt
of electric sheep.

 

Movie Night!

My fellow citizens of this great country of ours:
The United Corporations of America–
Why did those pilgrims land on Plymouth rock?

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…because they needed a place to stage
the greatest pissing contest known to man!
#GoldenGate #PeeTUS #PissGate

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Thaaaat’s right race fans,
great American tradition doesn’t get any. better. than. this.
This is all about freedom–

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…the freedom to sit on your big fat ass all day and watch the single greatest sporting event known to man!

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Competition! That’s what’s made this country so great.
Welcome to… the DEATH RACE!

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Freedom’s Call

The free press is central to our democracy and– nah, I’m just kidding!
You know I’m going to talk about Trump.
Come on.


Although, I am a little hurt that he’s not here tonight.
Is this blog too tacky for the Donald? What could he possibly be doing instead?

1. Apple (aapl, -0.20%) $600,000 to $1.251 million
2. Microsoft (msft, -0.13%): $300,000 to $600,000
3. PepsiCo (pep, -0.37%) $150,000 to $350,000
4. J.P. Morgan Chase (jpm, -0.76%) : $100,000 to $251,000
5. McKesson (mck, -1.64%): $100,000 to $250,000
6. Nike (nke, -0.64%) : $100,000 to $250,000
7. Johnson and Johnson (jnj, -0.44%) : $100,000 to $250,000
8. General Electric (ge, +0.13%) : $100,000 to $250,000
9. Visa (v, +0.17%): $100,000 to $251,000
10. Gilead Sciences (gild, -0.86%) : $100,000 to $250,000
11. Celgene (celg, -1.39%) : $100,000 to $250,000
12. Phillips 66 (psx, -1.36%) : $100,000 $250,000
13. Caterpillar (cat, +0.05%) : $100,000 to $250,000
14. Alphabet (googl, -0.56%) : $100,000 to $200,000
Despite the candidate’s love of all things gold— The Donald has a relatively small holding in bullion: about $100,000 to $250,000

I don’t want to spend too much time on The Donald.
Because I think we can all agree that from the start he’s gotten the appropriate amount of coverage befitting the seriousness of his candidacy.

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Ha.
I hope you all are proud of yourselves. The guy wanted to give his hotel business a boost and now we are praying that America makes it through July.

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Mmm mmm mmn.
Hmmm.

Zu-Zu Out~

mic-drop

America will start winning again, winning like never before
– Donald Trump Inauguration

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The great heroes of human history, names and deeds forever glorified for acts of unspeakable goodness. We teach about these people, read about them, view them in high-definition plasma-color… we imagine them as larger than life embodiments of ideals altogether unrecognizable in ourselves.

These epic tales of whimsical champions, viscous villains, and brightly colored spandex jumpsuits… inspire a sense of heroism in us, a desire to help others, a call to arms in the battle for the “greater good”

But many of the worst horrors of human history, they-who-shall-not-be-named and dastardly deeds infamized by acts of unspeakable terror… were also perpetuated by people who truly felt in their hearts that they were helping people, that all their efforts were for the “greater good”

Hitler will forever go down in our texts books as a villain, and there are few who would contest that. But Hitler believed himself to be hero, and persuaded many others to believe that as well. He had a vision of what he believed to be a better world, and he wanted to make that vision a reality.

His logic, was deeply, deeply flawed.
But he didn’t need logos to rally the following that he did. He just needed pathos.

Logos without Pathos, doth a jackass make. This reporter will be the first to admit that she is partial toward such jackassery, especially in this dank age of meme.

But Pathos, without Logos, is deadly, and highly infectious.

Finding a balance between the two… without just falling back on Ethos like a Donald Trump “believe me” compilation… is tough, but I do believe we have all made some headway here.

Please discuss.

On that note, I leave you with the musing that I reflect on here tonight, in both the peeve that grinds my righteous gears of indignation, and in self-reflection of such advice I may have yet to take in full heed:

to discuss, is to seek understanding, not to be understood.

Star-Crossed

Shoestring Surger still at large– with a capital L!

LargeCorp is at it again with another zany scheme for world domination! Will these dastardly villains ever call it quits? L-corp, a Trump subsidiary, has been hashtag confirmed by this reporter to be the one, the only, the king of sinful sots–

That’s right folks, complete with the sickly green tinge, the protruding potbelly of privilege, and the hands ten sizes too small. He’s a mean one, Mr. Grinch!

When all the Zu’s down in Zuville were snug in their beds, with dreams of good business in the year up ahead, or at least breaking even with a roof overhead…
L-Corp was stinking, stanking, and stunking, to the poor Zu’s dread.

Po zu-zu
Whatzit who woo
Wowza! H-h-howza?
Who’da woulda cooda
Shoulda coulda doo wop
Fritchet ditchet widget
“perfectly valid” my–
Patootie ood dee doo dee!

I told myself I wouldn’t get emotional, but boy, that really crumbles this reporter’s cookies. The Krampus is real kiddos– he’s switchin’ swipin’ and slingin’ your shoes, he’s surging the power at the stroke of midnight just as you were ’bout to break free from the friendzone, he’s getting between that thing that we have!

He’ll charge you $82.95 on your $49.99, for the very same power-lines from which your rainbow peace-sign high-top converses still hang by a tattered lace. His name is XFINITY Internet, he works for LargeCorp, and this reporter done got herself stuck on the wrong end of his twenty nine and a half foot pole.

As I wish upon my Daily Star
I wonder who these cooks think they are
Up above in their world to high
Like a venereal disease of the eye
This one for my nightly stars
Now I wonder where you are