Along Came Dolly

Ba baa black sheep have you any wool?
Brush here, shear there, ne’er a bag full… 

That sheep ain’t no Dalai Lama– girl, yoe must be a glutton for for an ass-whoopin’ keepin’ that ewe round here!

This was one piece of mutton long past its expiration date, with a comb-over rivaled only by The Donald himself, and a disproportionately sized tongue lolling out its mouth.

Dolly was an old ewe, she had certainly sheered better days… but the little boy who lived down the lane, turned his nose to ordinary wool, white and plain.

Master demands a bag per day, and a second for the Dame. You know what happens when their coats grow lame.

Ewwwwe, not stew! Not Dolly!

Hush! Not a peep from you or the ewe– I have a plan:

Knight, Bruce I. “Animal Cloning: Transitioning from the Lab to the Market.” USDA. March 5, 2008. https://www.aphis.usda.gov/newsroom/speeches/content/2008/03/Biotech_Comm_final_3-5-08.pdf

Do you even movie night big bro? That never bodes well for the humans…

Think–Dollhouse. The 6th Day. Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Star Wars II. Blade Runner.
Ask yourself: Do Androids Dream Electric Sheep?

I know I know, a clone is not the same as an android… but would you want to eat it? wear it? drink its milk?

Pull the wool over your eyes, but ewwwwe, not stew!

We assure ewe, it is as safe for human consumption as the foods we eat every day: United States Department of Health and Human Services. “Animal Cloning” FDA. July 3, 2014. http://www.fda.gov/AnimalVeterinary/SafetyHealth/AnimalCloning/default.htm

We? Big bro, are you–

We assure ewe, it is as safe for human injection as the drugs we take every day: United States Department of Health and Human Services. “Creating Human Drugs From Genetically Engineered Animals” FDA. August 23, 2015. https://www.fda.gov/ForConsumers/ConsumerUpdates/ucm143980.htm

But that’s a goat–

Sheep go to heaven. Goats go to hell…
Just kidding!
We assure you, it is as safe as for human society as the society we live in every day:
Michael Herndon. “Transcript of Media Briefing on FDA’s Release of a Final Guidance for Industry on the Regulation of Genetically-Engineered Animals” FDA. January 15, 2009. http://www.fda.gov/downloads/NewsEvents/Newsroom/MediaTranscripts/UCM121219.pdf

Recorded? I object–

Hush!
Reporters will be in a listen only mode until we open call for comments.

Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep,
and doesn’t know where to find them;
Make them a clone, and they’ll come home,
wagging their tails behind them.

She awoke with a start, her face full of wool– black wool.
Dolly the sheep, with a fleece thick as thieves…
Her eyes they must be deceiving.
It couldn’t be! Not Dolly, her Dolly?
She sure was a spittin’ image…
Three bags full she stuffed with wool
She had dreampt her sheep from lame to cool!

Little Bo-peep fell fast asleep,
and dreamt she heard them bleating;
but when she awoke, she found it a joke,
for they were still a-fleeting.

You’re a hack with a hook!
That filthy crook!
Big bro must’ve been deceiving.
Alternative facts
And fancy “science” reading
Dolly was gone
Before she ever knew she was sleeping

Then up she took her little crook,
determined for to find them;
she found them indeed, but it made her heart bleed,
for they’d left their tails behind them.

Tale of woe, woe is me
How could she let it be?
Tale by Tale
bye bye tails…

It happened one day, as Bo-peep did stray
into a meadow hard by,
there she espied their tails side by side,
all hung on a tree to dry.

bi-tale
buy small retail
these rhymes
are getting stale…

She heaved a sigh and wiped her eye,
and over the hillocks went rambling,
and tried what she could, as a shepherdess should,
to tell each clone from its lambkin…

But the real mystery
was little Bo-Peep
for that night she dreampt
of electric sheep.

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Deathrace 2000, 2017, 2050

“My fellow citizens of this great country of ours:
The United Corporations of America–
Why did those pilgrims land on Plymouth rock?”

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“…because they needed a place to stage
the greatest pissing contest known to man!”
#GoldenGate #PeeTUS #PissGate

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“Thaaaat’s right race fans,
great American tradition doesn’t get any. better. than. this.
This is all about freedom–”

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“…the freedom to sit on your big fat ass all day and watch the single greatest sporting event known to man!”

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“Competition! That’s what’s made this country so great.
Welcome to… the DEATH RACE!”

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In hindsight, the dystopian future of year 2000 feels a bit… tame.

Don’t get me wrong– the annual transcontinental death race is a time honored tradition that speaks to any generation– but compared to the real life Idiocracy of 2017, this risque action packed political satire circa 1975, is a blast from the past we always wished we had. On the other hand, looking forward to 2050…

Full body black vinyl gimp suit? Check.

Bitter rival with a lot to compensate for? Check. Check.

It is worth noting here that the “Jed Perfectus” of modern America, played by the fabulous Burt Grinstead,  speaks volumes about the qualities that we Americans value in an idol…
As compared to Sylvester Stallone’s “Machine Gun Joe Viterbo” the macho-man action-star that rivals our Death Race 2000 champion.

Sexy two-timing navigator? Check and mate.

Our taste in women, however, has remained strikingly similar. Affirmative Action be damned, bodacious blonds will always be a sexploitation staple…

Death Race 2050 is like Death Race 2000 super-sized. But while 2000 comes right out and says sex is both a duty and an honor for a navigator, which our 2000 stars enthusiastically partake in… 2050 imagines an anti-hero altogether uninspired by such desires.

Navigator Annie Sullivan– played by Marci Miller (Rebellion: A Star Wars Story, Days of Our Lives)– seductively directs driver Frankenstein to navigate her… but his heart beats more to the mantra of PC quota Minerva’s smash hit “Drive. Drive. Kill. Kill.”

With Death Race 2000 original producer Roger Corman back on board for the transcontinental race of 2050, the two flicks were nearly identical in basic formula, often matching up shot for shot.

Checking out dat-ass while the navigator performs high-speed repairs was a staple in 1975, and today, a beloved classic. Some things will never go out of style.

But I must say, I am partial to the Dino-inspired design that Frankenstein rides in 2050. All in all, the original car designs have withstood the test of time better than the lackluster 2017 models.

“Who wants Virgins? Who wants Chicken Wings? Everybody loves chicken wings! Well guess what y’all, the allmighty has got a Hooters in the sky and it is time to Martyr up–” this too, withstands the test of time, though the original was much more… intimate.

Euthanasia day happens every year, but so does our hero’s soft spot for lambs (and kittens) led to the slaughter…

Surprisingly, one of the biggest differences between the two flicks, was the scoring system. As always, our racers are scored on time and pedestrian fatalities– from sea to shining sea, more space for you and me!

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Teens these days are seemingly indistinguishable from toddlers, and apparently, +10 for women was taking it too far for Roger Corman’s 2017 scoring system.

Fearing backlash from the “PC” majority in 2008, director Paul W.S. Anderson censored his 2008 re-make to tone down the gratuitous violence. Post 9/11 America, wars raging in the middle east, cloned meat deemed safe for consumption, stock markets plunging in a global recession, and the Writer’s Guild of America on strike– society at this time could not handle such nonchalant disregard for the lives of the American citizenry, or for the art of writing… but American prisoners, they were fair game for Death Race 1, 2, and 3.

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As a staunch supporter of prison reform with homage to the great gladiators of ancient Rome, I can’t help but notice that the cult-classic standing of this film franchise only stands to reason that such a spectacle sport would pay for itself… and then some.

Prisoners could go in criminals, and come out as national heroes! Profit surpluses could provide funding for law enforcement and the justice department, while the death toll keeps prison crowding– and general overpopulation– to a minimum.

Dystopia, or more like Utopia? We’ll leave you to decide…
comments are always open

In classic Hollywood formula, our hero and heroine drive off into the sunset, and get down to business repopulating the Earth in the wake of all that death and destruction.

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Freedom’s Call

Via Barack Obama - 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner

“The free press is central to our democracy and– nah, I’m just kidding!
You know I’m going to talk about Trump. Come on.”

“Although, I am a little hurt that he’s not here tonight.”
Is this blog too tacky for the Donald? What could he possibly be doing instead?

1. Apple (aapl, -0.20%) $600,000 to $1.251 million
2. Microsoft (msft, -0.13%): $300,000 to $600,000
3. PepsiCo (pep, -0.37%) $150,000 to $350,000
4. J.P. Morgan Chase (jpm, -0.76%) : $100,000 to $251,000
5. McKesson (mck, -1.64%): $100,000 to $250,000
6. Nike (nke, -0.64%) : $100,000 to $250,000
7. Johnson and Johnson (jnj, -0.44%) : $100,000 to $250,000
8. General Electric (ge, +0.13%) : $100,000 to $250,000
9. Visa (v, +0.17%): $100,000 to $251,000
10. Gilead Sciences (gild, -0.86%) : $100,000 to $250,000
11. Celgene (celg, -1.39%) : $100,000 to $250,000
12. Phillips 66 (psx, -1.36%) : $100,000 $250,000
13. Caterpillar (cat, +0.05%) : $100,000 to $250,000
14. Alphabet (googl, -0.56%) : $100,000 to $200,000
Despite the candidate’s love of all things gold— The Donald has a relatively small holding in bullion: about $100,000 to $250,000

“I don’t want to spend too much time on The Donald.
Because I think we can all agree that from the start he’s gotten the appropriate amount of coverage befitting the seriousness of his candidacy.”

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“I hope you all are proud of yourselves. The guy wanted to give his hotel business a boost and now we are praying that America makes it through July.”

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Zu-Zu out~~

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America will start winning again, winning like never before
– Donald Trump Inauguration

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Articulators Anonymous

The great heroes of human history, names and deeds forever glorified for acts of unspeakable goodness. We teach about these people, read about them, view them in high-definition plasma-color… we imagine them as larger than life embodiments of ideals altogether unrecognizable in ourselves.

These epic tales of whimsical champions, viscous villains, and brightly colored spandex jumpsuits… inspire a sense of heroism in us, a desire to help others, a call to arms in the battle for the “greater good”

But many of the worst horrors of human history, they-who-shall-not-be-named and dastardly deeds infamized by acts of unspeakable terror… were also perpetuated by people who truly felt in their hearts that they were helping people, that all their efforts were for the “greater good”

Hitler will forever go down in our texts books as a villain, and there are few who would contest that. But Hitler believed himself to be a hero, and persuaded many others to believe that as well. He had a vision of what he believed to be a better world, and he wanted to make that vision a reality.

His logic, was deeply, deeply flawed.
But he didn’t need logos to rally the following that he did.
He just needed pathos.

Logos without Pathos, doth a jackass make. This reporter will be the first to admit that she is partial toward such jackassery, especially in this dank age of meme.

But Pathos, without Logos, is deadly, and highly infectious.

Finding a balance between the two… without just falling back on Ethos like a Donald Trump “believe me” compilation… is tough, but I do believe we have all made some headway here.

Please discuss.

On that note, I leave you with the musing that I reflect on here tonight, in both the peeve that grinds my righteous gears of indignation, and in self-reflection of such advice I may have yet to take in full heed:

to discuss is to seek understanding, not to be understood.